How To Get Away With Free Chocolate On Valentine's Day - 'Fool'proof
by Sweetysweetssugarytreats
Summary: Gintoki designs the ultimate foolproof plan that in only a week is bound to win him what he dreams will be a life-long supply of free chocolate, all through the charming of one seemingly unapproachable boy. (Except: His strategy is not as foolproof as he thinks. He forgets he also falls under the pitiful category of the 'fool'. With his own plan, he ends up playing himself too.)
1. Chapter 1

**'How To Get Away With Free Chocolate On Valentine's Day And The Rest Of Your Days'- My Fool(Not-So)Proof Plan.**

* * *

**Chapter 1: Start Of A Plan**

* * *

There is one thing only Gintoki loves more than himself in this world:

Chocolate.

Its rich and sweet flavor can tickle any palate… forget love, for this is the comfort to every woe! Sweet intoxication no human should dare live without- it is the answer to every doubt, without a doubt. What's not to love of it?

And it is precisely why Gintoki is currently undercover -aka hiding from plain view inside his high school's deserted hallways in the dying hours of one random afternoon- and observing his target's every move - aka the direct heir to the biggest chocolate factory in the country— his parents might as well be related to Willy Wonka and live in a chocolate-built-empire with how much of the heavenly sweetness they own- which is Gintoki's ultimate dream.

"Ooh, who is that?" Otae- best friend and partner in crime from the tender age where communication happened through means of eaten crayons and alphabet-burping- is currently undercover with him.

"If all goes well, in a week he will be my next business investment."

She eyes him wryly. "…I think you just said 'boyfriend' wrong."

He eyes her back with unimpressed nonchalance. "I know what I said, thank you." Back to spying the boy (act he acts upon wholly unselfconsciously), his mind is already running one mile an hour- in his defense, it would tire easily otherwise. "I just need a plan."

"A plan for what, exactly?"

"Taking complete control… of his… sweet… empire…" Stopping mid-sentence, with glazed over eyes, in his head he conjures up the image of his self inhaling so much of the heavenly sweetness he bursts- now that is the life.

"Um…" The brunette pauses. "…you know what, please don't elaborate any further because I'd like to still delude myself I hang around sane people, thanks."

But Gintoki ignores her, suddenly hit with the mother of realizations- be it a divine sign his guardian angels somewhere up there so lovingly sent him, or be it the echo of his head thumping against the wall as he loses his footing, and tumbles, and sprawls to the ground.

"I will charm him with my good looks and brilliant personality! Until he falls at my feet, begging for my love… and gifting me all the chocolate I want…" He quietly muffles into the floor, almost chocked up with how impressed he is with his own plan – not doing anything whatsoever to help himself up.

Otae lets out a weary but amused sigh at the absolute glee in his voice. "Well, my phone is currently broken… so this better be good, because it's going to be my new form of entertainment for the week to come."

Coincidentally, starting tomorrow there is one week left until Valentine's Day.

Seven days to conquer Icy Pansy's heart- as Gintoki oh-so-affectionately dubbed him, thinking the nickname to be fitting after 'accidentally' emptying a whole bucket of ice down his pants.

* * *

**. . .**

**A/N: ****Lately life is looking more like a series of never-ending sad, unfortunate events, so in the spur of the moment I wrote this to kind of cheer myself up... hopefully it works? But if it doesn't, then maybe it can put a smile on someone else's face with its sheer stupidity :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: 'Tapping into the art... of seduction.'**

* * *

On the way home, the cogs are already wheeling around in his brain, shaping up a master plan that will be the kick-start to his stardom- own all the chocolate in the world (…but he knows he might have to take this dream one step at a time).

"By the way." Otae snaps him out of his musings with a curious, but suspicious tone. "Have you ever talked to him before?"

Gintoki thinks about one year ago, the day he was dared to drop a bucket full of ice down the boy's pants- mind you, he had yet to know this boy 'sat on a chocolate throne' back then- and how that resulted in a quarrelsome un-official first encounter (leading to some badass wrestling), then the hospital trip and the more than slightly combative banter that followed, until they were mere strangers again.

"I might have actively taken part in breaking his arm, if that's what you're asking." He replies easily, thinking it to be no deterrent whatsoever to the courtship he is planning.

"…"

_"What, _he broke my leg. He deserved it."

"You're screwed…" With a dejected flutter of eyelashes, disappointment crystal clear in the slump of her shoulders and voice choked up, Otae adds, "…and not in the sexy way."

"Tae, language!" He gasps, outraged. "There's a kid here!"

"What kid?"

"Me! I'm the kid!" He actively proves so by clapping his hands over his ears and childishly singing 'lalala' to protect his naïve, innocent self from being further exposed to such vulgarity.

"You're a moron, that's what you are." She dryly mutters.

"I'm a genius, that's what I am." Gintoki declares resolute and confident, clearly believing so. "And I will prove it to you, by seducing him."

He is graced with initial surprise, subsequently followed by a dispassionate, "Do you even know what that word _means?"_

A scathing, almost _offended_ glare is thrown her way. "Who do you take me for? Just watch, I will tap into the art of... _seduction_."

❤️ ~ 💙 ~ ❤️

Gintoki is unwilling to admit that he, in fact, has absolutely no clue, no hint, not the faintest idea whatsoever of the word's actual meaning.

Never needing such knowledge before, he has remained fairly and blissfully ignorant to anything romance-related since any loving effort on his part has always been towards _everything chocolate-related._

That night he searches up the word 'seduction' in the dictionary. And cringes.

_"Ooh_… probably should have checked this one before blurting it out." Following up with nonchalance. "Oh, well, who cares."

He also remains blissfully ignorant to Otae's inner fangirl and romance-oriented mind going 1000000 miles a second because of his newly learnt word.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Attempt**

* * *

The next day Gintoki makes his move- actually, it's the _quarter_ of a move, an _attempt_ at making a move, a '_testing the waters' _sort of move.

A single, anonymous line slipped in his locker: a 'love note', one could say.

He used up half a day to browse through countless - cheesy at times, downright freaky sometimes, kind of funny other times– lines. (He ended up saving most in his repertoire for a later use.)

The one line he finally settled on could be considered pretty mild compared to the rest of its competing companions, and he thinks it might be a nice _attempt _at setting the scene- if he is lucky enough, even make the boy think he has a secret admirer pining for his heart.

Which is why the best friends are hiding away in the fading light of the afternoon-again. Only this time they're after the lockers… and the two individuals approaching said lockers.

Otae quietly gasps from her perched position. "Oh no, what if he already has someone-"

"Nah, I did my research." Gintoki interrupts, reassuring with a lazy wave of the hand. "That girl's his best friend. She's pretty, kind and honestly a lot _nicer_ than you-"

"How _dare_ you. I'm the prettiest, kindest and nicest best friend _ever-!"_

"Uh-oh, egos are getting bigger around here-"

_"Yours_ included-"

"How dare _you-_"

And while they're busy pinching each other's cheeks until these resemble air balloons… Gintoki manages to glimpse the white piece of paper sliding out the locker, quickly picked up by his target. It reads:

_Even if there wasn't any gravity on Earth, I would still fall for you._

He can almost taste it- _oh_, sweet, delicious, _chocolate-y, _victory taste taking over his taste buds-

-that is, until his lovely _attempt_ at courtship is…. promptly thrown in the nearest bin.

The other two leave as quickly as they came, chatting amongst themselves whilst completely ignorant of the crushed soul spying on them- _crushed_ because the chocolate's imaginary taste faded the second his note was crumpled.

Gintoki scowls- _(pouts)._

"…So." Otae breaks the silence with a dispirited sigh- though for now satisfied with the red blots her best friend's cheeks are sporting. _"This_ was your big plan?"

"Oh, no." His slight frown turns downside up, undaunted smirk already locked in place and even more committed now. "My plan has just _started."_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Attempt-different point of view**

* * *

💙 ~ ❤️ ~ 💙

Hijikata Toshiro, followed by childhood and best friend Okita Mitsuba, is, as usual, getting to his locker after a mostly uneventful day.

He is nodding and humming exactly where he is supposed to as she talks, mindlessly putting in the combination to open his locker, exchange the books, and be done with the day, well with the school day at least- that is, until something sort of eventful _does _take place.

A small, rectangular and inconspicuous piece of white paper slips out, fluttering to the floor. Interest slightly piqued, he retrieves it, only with mild surprise to find out there is a sentence typed in black, cursive letters on the front.

_Even if there wasn't any gravity on Earth, I would still fall for you._

He blinks. Once, twice… then quietly scoffs to himself, promptly discarding the note in the nearest bin.

Mitsuba, who had adorably gotten on her tip toes to peek over her best friend's shoulder in curiosity, almost pouts.

"That wasn't very polite." She intones slightly accusing, and slightly exasperated.

(If Otae had been listening in, she would have wondered about how much in common the two of them might have- starting by having to put up with their best friends' sometimes unnerving actions.)

"Not interested." The boy replies easily, maintaining his regular and nonplussed façade the whole time. "It's probably just a joke, anyway." He dismisses, slowly making his way towards the exit as he waits for her to fall in step beside him.

Mitsuba shakes her head, letting out a small sigh in response and following along.

* * *

**A/N: Honestly, 3 & 4 were just supposed to be one chapter but I wanted to give just a bit of Toshi's pov too**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This might be the drabble I had most fun writing in this idiotic little story :)**

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**Chapter 5: Second-First Impressions**

* * *

The next day Gintoki makes his first real 'advance'.

Leaving a second-first _positive_ and _long-lasting_ impression.

Because he _still _thinks an apparent courtship, succeeding ice cubes shoved in pants and breakage of limbs, is a natural and completely motive-free follow up- should anyone be doubting.

When sharing his thoughts with Otae, their conversation went something like:

_"He has to associate the feeling with a face."_

_"What _'feeling?_'"_

_Question he proceeded to promptly ignore (because he had no idea how to answer.)_

And the morning- surprise, it is _morning _this time around - finds him bright and early right outside the school's gates –- an actual _feat_ for him, but he is willing to bring down the moon for his lovely sweet haven, _chocolate—_and (im)patiently waiting for his target to arrive.

Of course Otae's presence is required for moral support (which doesn't explain her camera, or the repeated mumbles of 'blackmail material' under her breath, or her hiding in a spot from where she can have a clear shot of the scene- but these are facts Gintoki goes blatantly and blissfully unaware of).

And- here they come.

Gintoki, leisurely strolling to the two unsuspecting fellow students, _casually_ leans against the wall in what is an 'imposing manner' in his head, and greets them with a blasé nod and an even more _casual_, "What is up?"

The other boy greets him back with a slightly puzzled frown. "Who are you?"

This is it. This is _the moment!_

Gintoki detaches himself from the wall, only to invade the other's personal space in calculated, almost excited steps. Once in front of him, he finally lets out the words he has been dying to say since the long, _long time_ of… three days ago.

"Your second husband in two years' time."

"…Wait what?" The boy asks somewhat frazzled, backing away- but pressing on with a second question of apparently great concern. "And what happened to the first?"

Gintoki _advances_ closer, his answer a mere whisper in the ear. "Nothing, I repeat, absolutely _nothing_ you will be able prove in court."

Leaning away, he is met with a horrified look on the boy's disgruntled face, subsequent to the softer, muttered inquiry of, _'what the actual fuck?'_

_'Positive_ _second-first impression?_ _Nailed it.' _Gintoki thinks absolutely thrilled, giving himself a mental pat on the back.

Mitsuba, silent witness to the whole exchange, seems positively intrigued.

Otae face-palms.

To sum up:

_Positive _second-first impression? Not _sure_ about that. _Long-lasting?_ Ooh, this is certainly an impression Toshiro won't _forget._

❤️ ~ 💙 ~ ❤️

Once the brunette has dragged Gintoki away with a polite, 'Excuse us, he acts a bit _off_ when he forgets to take his daily vitamins,' and thrown him in the nearest empty class, she proceeds to lecture him on what consists as 'romance' and what consists as 'bullcrap you should never ever pull out of your butt'.

"Repeat after me, threats can absolutely be _not_ considered love confessions."

Gintoki shakes his head in a way that states, 'I am right and everyone knows it.' "I feel inclined to disagree with that-"

"Gintoki!"

"Alright, alright."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Remembering...**

* * *

Toshiro can only stare slightly agape as the _strange_ stranger is dragged away. He tries to comprehend just _what _took place, and if maybe his brain is playing any sort of trick on him- until Mitsuba (softly) slams a closed fist in her open palm in what seems to be a moment of realization.

"Is he not the boy from last year? If I'm not mistaken, you had diverging opinions on-"

It's as if the words bring down lightning and thunder on him, along with re-surfacing memories.

"Diverging opinions?" He interrupts with an indignant scowl. "He broke my arm!"

"Because you broke his leg." She points out.

"Because he shoved ice down my pants!" Toshiro crosses his arms, turning away with an unintentional flip of the hair Gintoki would have been envious of. "He deserved it."

The blonde sighs amiably and a little wondrously. "Boys. They are so cute but-"

❤️ ~ 💙 ~ ❤️

"-so stupid!" Otae exclaims, finishing Mitsuba's previous sentence with her choice of wording.

The truth is she didn't have high expectations about Gintoki's second-first impression to begin with, even deciding to film the disaster for her own enjoyment… but this? This almost surpasses even the more disastrous scenarios she had thought of.

Gintoki glares, mouth agape in apparent disdain. "Apologize to the male population for this terrible offense!"

"You should say sorry for being a part of the male population! They must be ashamed of your stupidity!" She berates him, as if it would have any effect on Gintoki and serve as an incentive for him to use his brain matter in the future (…when has that ever happened before?). She then wraps her arms around herself, looking the picture of _misery._ "And here I thought… my fangirl dreams would finally come true-" Only for fire to blaze in her eyes. "But you had to go and ruin it!"

"Oh~ho, so this were your real intentions? Tch, I should really find a new best friend." Gintoki feigns disgust towards her, though his expression turns placid. "You know, I've already received requests for the position."

**.**

**.**

**.**

_A few days ago, during the casting for a new best friend_

Among a few students, a certain Takasugi Shinsuke had made an appearance too. Sitting in front of Gintoki, his eyes bore through his skull with strange intensity.

"One question." The boy speaks lowly and with purpose. "If I get this… 'promotion', as you call it, will I be allowed to kill you?"

Gintoki stares for the longest time- before folding his hands beneath his chin and nodding with interest. "Hey, people are usually killed because they are important, right? So that would make me really famous, right?

And Shinsuke, who had yet to meet someone as insane as him, all of a sudden finds himself in a rather uncomfortable position. "I… uh, sure, I guess?"

**.**

**.**

**.**

_Present_

Gintoki nods to himself after recounting the event. "That boy was very persuasive."

Otae opens her mouth and closes it a couple of times, not unlike a fish, settling for, "What is wrong with you?"

Gintoki opens his mouth to respond… and falters. "…I don't know how to answer _that."_

She barely refrains from the second face-palm of the day- and the day has barely began.

"Listen." Gintoki takes back the reigns. "Now that I've made a second- first impression-"

"You made a second-first catastrophe-"

"-we can go along with the rest of the plan."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: Public Declarations**

* * *

The day doesn't _end_ if Gintoki doesn't say so.

This is why, after asking here and there, few favors, people owing people, and all the sort, he- at the end of the day- finally finds himself in front of the boy's classroom.

Of course he'd asked Otae to join him, but this time she would rather spare herself the second-hand embarrassment – is that even a thing? Not like Gintoki has ever felt any embarrassment of any sort in all his sixteen years alive (which might explain _lots) _but, oh well.

With a swift motion, he pulls open the door and struts inside the room like he owns it.

Pause.

A mosquito can be heard flying.

Gintoki holds himself tall and proud, like a hero on a history book page, before, unabashedly, pointing his finger at his target.

"You." His voice a deadly whisper in the suffocated silence of the students. "I will _court you."_

A _greater _pause follows.

Gintoki softly snorts to himself, as if what comes next is _unthinkable. _"I know, I do _know _what is going through all your ugly little heads right now." He doesn't see most of the students frown at that, too occupied paying attention to _himself. _"Why, oh _why_ is someone as _perfect _as Gintoki wasting all his affections on a single person, someone as bland as him?"

Toshiro glares.

"And you are right."

Toshiro glares _harder._

"But this… is my choice." Gintoki continues, completely unperturbed. "And I want you to know that… my choice is you." The way he finishes makes it sound like the object of his affection should be prostrating at his feet.

The dark-haired boy, instead, regards him with distaste and overwhelming bewilderment, as if he grew three heads and eight eyes in the last few seconds.

However, just as quickly as he came, Gintoki sashays away, leaving people staring after him in… Wonder? Confusion? Amazement? Questioning his sanity? Questioning his idiocy? Who really knows…

"…Who's that?" Someone asks, breaking the silence as chaos breaks loose.

Meanwhile Toshiro lets his head thump against the desk in what tastes like momentary defeat. "…what the hell is this guy's problem…?"


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Food Puns (1)**

* * *

And Gintoki does make good on his word, taking 'love confession' to a different level, one could say. And he makes good on the long list of lines he saved up just for occasions such as this one.

Everyone likes food, and everyone likes puns, right? And what is better than… combining the two.

Meaning: he pops out at mostly inconvenient times, unintentionally giving his future chocolate-giver scares to last a lifetime.

❤️ ~ 💙

Once before classes begin:

"You're my soymate!"

_SLAM._

"…Quick question, did you mean to slam your head against the lockers just like that?"

❤️ ~ 💙

Once during lunch:

"We're butter together."

"Get out from under my desk right this instant!"

❤️ ~ 💙

During gym class:

"You're soda-lightful."

"Stop running in front of me! I can't see-!"

Their voices stop, just like their running does, and they go tumbling down…

**.**

**.**

**.**

…straight into the infirmary, where he continues:

"I a-peach-iate you."

"Get out of my bed!"

❤️ ~ 💙

On the way back home:

"We stick together like PB&J."

_DRIIIN-_

❤️ ~ 💙 ~ ❤️

In the end Gintoki asks Otae through the phone the question that's been on the tip of his tongue, not sure the other boy could have answered in his state anyway.

"I have a serious question."

_"What is it?"_

"If someone walks into a lamp post because they are _distracted _by you, and then their nose starts bleeding, and there's a nasty bruise, and then they get accidentally run over by a bike… does it mean they're in love with you?"

_"…Dear Lord, forgive me for underestimating this boy's stupidity. It's a mistake I won't make again."_

"Otae! I'm serious here!"

"…_Believe me, rarely have I ever been more serious than this."_


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: Breaking the… ice?**

* * *

Gintoki has to admit he feels a tiny- tiny itty bitty _jiffy _– bad about causing some… uh, 'discomfort' to his future business investment (after all getting run over by a bike must not be as 'fun' as movies make it look).

So, on Tae's advice, he ultimately decides to act like a man and eat a slice of humble pie.

Which is why the two of them are currently hiding –if hiding means standing in place completely _visible_\- outside the boy's first class of the day, waiting for him in the wee hours of the morning.

"Go in there, let him approach you first and then apologize." The brunette whisper-yells to him from the sidelines (which means only a couple of feet away).

"You got it, boss." Gintoki whisper-yells back, unthinking. Then pauses, thinking. "Wait- _I _am the boss."

Otae scrunches up her face in that cute way of hers that either means 'that's not true' or 'I'll tear out your limbs and feed them to you'. Really cute, really. "No, no you're not."

"Well, you're not the boss of me."

"You're no boss of me either."

The best-friends dyad starts –unsurprisingly- bickering like there is not tomorrow, in the hallway, where anyone could hear them.

Someone _does _hear since, not even a moment later, the door they have been not-so-hushedly whispering in front of opens.

Maybe it is Gintoki's luck (or _un_luck) that he finds himself face to face with the object of his affections.

Upon realizing who this is, color drains from Toshiro faster than a white canvas getting smirched in black ink. Only to get blotched by a violent shade of red.

(Gintoki might think his blushing, angry-red cheeks are the tiniest itty bitty _iffy _pretty.)

"You!" The boy points, sounding so distraught he might as well be accusing him of burning his house down.

Gintoki waves half-heartedly in acknowledgment. "'Sup?"

"Stay. Away. From. Me!"

"Hey, now, I'm just here to make amends since what happened yesterday might have _partly _been my fault. Or so I've been told." He even winks at Otae, raising a thumb up as if he just _nailed it._

Otae face-palms.

"…So you came to apologize because you were _told_ to do so?" Toshiro practically spits, vitriol coloring his tone.

"Yes?" Gintoki asks back dumbly, appearing entirely unrepentant about it.

The boy can do little but openly gape at him.

"And now that we broke the ice-" Gintoki follows up with, incredibly oblivious about the situation and Otae's second face-palm echoing only a few meters away. "-let's go out."

"The only ice you're breaking will be the block I'll bash your head on!"

Gintoki takes a few seconds to process the words, and then…"Is that a pick-up line? Look, I don't mean to be rude, but you _might_ want to work a bit on your flirting skills."

Toshiro might as well have smoke coming out his ears. "I will _end_ _you."_

"Yes, I'm sure you can do _better_ than that."

At this point Otae sets about going on her merry way, clicking her tongue as she mutters to herself. "You know what, forget it, this one's a hopeless case…"

* * *

**. . .**

**A/N: I'm so sorry for being MIA, the past weeks have been messy... but I plan on finishing this soon! Also, this story was supposed to be 14 chapters, you know Valentine's Day and all, but there's been a _slight_ change of plans and there will be a few more chapters adding to this crack-ish nonsense.**


	10. Chapter 10

_**A/N: This chapter literally only happened because of the meme: What's your name, beautiful?**_

_**. . .**_

* * *

**Chapter 10: First Name Basis**

* * *

_Summary of the situation at hand:_

Gintoki, under Otae's advice, goes to 'apologize'- yes, we all knew that was not bound to go well.

Toshiro, who sometimes comes in early to study in peace or revise for a test, ends up getting a face-full of the boy who, almost completely unintentionally, keeps putting him in harm's way.

It ends with Gintoki being strangely condescending about Toshiro's choice of pick-up lines- although said pick-up lines are really threats. And with Otae giving up on him and walking away.

_Back to the present:_

"-and that is why you should never give out your DNA sample to a spiteful monkey." Gintoki finishes recounting his experience with a proud nod of the head, feeling greatly accomplished for being able to share such an incredible tale that the readers of this story will never get to know the full content of. He blinks twice, taken out of his stupor just as abruptly as he found himself in it. "Uh… wait, what were we talking about again?"

Toshiro- whose inner thoughts had varied from _'he's crazy'_ to _'he's way too crazy'_ to _'no, he's completely insane'_\- finally unhinges his jaw, which had almost been stuck in a permanent 'o' shape, and _casually_ remarks, "…You're crazy, aren't you?"

Gintoki ignores that.

He suddenly snaps his fingers in that way of his that either means 'I just had a brilliant revelation!' or 'oh crap, did I just piss off the leader's gang?'

"Hey, I just realized we've never really introduced ourselves." _Of course_ Gintoki _knows_ all about _him_. He's done his fair amount of _research, _after all_. _But he does want to get on a first name basis without revealing _how _he already knows such information, and hopefully in a way that won't creep the other boy out. So, _very_ _naturally_ following their most recent conversation, he finally asks:

"What's your name, beautiful?"

Toshiro frowns, scoffing. "Fuck off, loser."

"Sounds exotic. I'm Gintoki."

❤️~ 💙 ~ ❤️

_In the near future, after having told Otae all about it:_

"-I had no idea he had a middle name, I just thought his full name was Toshiro Hijikata, and what kind of middle name this one _is_. Wow, you discover new things every day." Gintoki finishes with a grin, being, _of course, _completely oblivious. Again.

Otae, head shaking and gaze sort of wondrous while she observes her best friend as if he is a fascinating new species, finally shares her own inner thoughts. "You really do. It shouldn't be surprising, but as the days go by I keep discovering how much of a dumbass you actually are."

* * *

**. . .**

**A/N: Next chapter is still set on the morning of this day.**


	11. Chapter 11

_**A/N: I never say this… **_

_**But this one might be the only title I am actually PROUD of coming up with. Wow.**_

* * *

**Chapter 11: ****Vent-ing Out Your 'Love'**

* * *

Once again, Otae ends up tagging along. To be more specific, she is dragooned by Gintoki into following him in his 'path of adventure'…whatever that might mean.

But whatever it _means_ _now_ is… crawling.

Inside a vent.

Not for the first time, she wonders, how has her life come to _this?_

She is reminded of an earlier piece of conversation they had:

_"Nice try, but this time you are _not_ going to cajole me into it."_

_"Too late. You're my best friend, by association you're _already_ in."_

She sighs, the drawn out breath making her wispy bangs flutter in the enclosed space, and is it just her imagination or is the oxygen running a bit low up here?

Her companion does not seem the _least bit fazed,_ his jolly singing to a made up song on a made up tune is proof enough.

_"In the vent, in the vent, we're crawling in the vent __ 'cause we're gonna surprise the love of my life with a…"_ Gintoki is seemingly stuck, brain overworking itself for one second… before giving up. "Hey, what's something that rhymes with the word 'vent'? I can only come up with _'threat?'"_

"Seeing as things are going, you're not too far off the mark…" She says under her breath, suddenly feeling a growing sense of pity for the boy who has constantly been put under fire by her best friend.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing." She shrugs it off, turning unimpressed eyes on him. "Why are you even singing?"

"'Cause I'm having fun." Gintoki answers without a hint of hesitation.

"Skipping the first hour just to _crawl_ _inside a vent_ is your idea of 'fun'?"

"Oh, you sweet, innocent, naïve Tae. A wise man once said: 'If you have never crawled in your high school's ventilation system, you have only lived half the experience.'"

"…Who said that?"

"Me." Gintoki stops to crane his head back and stare at her with 'no-nonsense' conviction shining deep in his gaze. "I'm the wise man."

One of her eyebrows ticks dangerously in irritation. "And where did you pull all this wise crap? Out of your butt?"

"Language!"

"Those can't even be considered real swea-"

The screech of metal halts their banter, making both teens hold their breath. Unfortunately, it doesn't _just_ stop there.

The good news is, through the ventilation grill they can see that this is, indeed, Toshiro's class.

The bad news is, well…

_"Please,_ don't tell me we're about to-"

"Uh-oh…?" Is all Gintoki can offer.

It all happens too fast, seemingly in the split of a second. And one minute they are suspended in mid-air, the next their tummies are churning in on themselves and gravity's being a bit of a bitch and _oh_-

They have fallen to the floor like sacks of potatoes.

Otae groans lowly, blinking weary eyes open. Somewhere in the back of her mind she is thinking she will never, ever, _ever again _get dragged into any of her best friend's plans. (We all know that's not true.)

Gintoki, on the other hand, is already scraping himself off the floor and planting his elbows on a certain dark-haired boy's desk.

"Would you look at that." He whistles appreciatively, looking around himself as if only now assessing the gravity of the situation- and his face practically splits into a smirk as he declares:

"This is me…falling for you."

"…"

_"Literally."_

Toshiro, eyes shut tight and mouth pressed in a thin, _thin line,_ as if in physical pain, speaks lowly, _flat._ "…You're pathetic, you know that right?"

"When you say 'pathetic', you mean 'I-pity-you-enough-to-gift-you-chocolate' pathetic? That's what you mean?"

"No!"

Their heart to heart- _hard_ _snort, _it's a 'heart to heart' only in Gintoki's head- is quickly interrupted. The shriek of his distorted name coming from the wrathful teacher behind him is the perfect sign, Gintoki decides, to flee the classroom and never look back. But before doing so, he grabs Otae and turns to give one last 'loving' look to his future-chocolate-giver.

"I will see you again… in my dreams."

"…and in my nightmares." Toshiro's complaints are drown out by his teacher screaming _'To the principaaaal!'_

* * *

_**. . .**_

_**A/N: Being Gintoki's best friend, Otae has to put up with a lot. A LOT. She loves him, but she is also so done with him 23/7. **_

_**Also, you have no idea how long I waited to post this chapter! I had so much fun with its silliness!**_


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N:**

**I remember the principal we had way back, he was funny and laid-back, sometimes he almost acted like a kid himself and he even went for coffee or ice cream with his students, that's kind of where the idea of Shoyo being an incredibly kind (and not really phased by anything) principal comes from :)**

**. . .**

* * *

**Chapter 12: Principal With Principles**

* * *

Gintoki and Otae are often sent to the principal (now, who the 'good' and 'bad' reasons to be sent apply to is quite obvious).

But the thing about their principal is... well, he is not much of a principal, rather, more of a friend.

Shoyo Yoshida. The man has always had a permanent smile stuck on his face, which would not exactly 'help' when trying to discipline students for their bad deeds, but he is also physically incapable of getting angry.

"Tea?" He offers his two students.

Exactly. He would rather sit and chat with tea and pastries than scold anyone, which is one of the reasons why students as indisciplined as Gintoki (even if no one quite reaches his level) like him.

"Oh, thank you." Otae accpets corteously.

Meanwhile Gintoki, who is usually the first to inhale anything even remotely sweet placed in front of him, has not even touched one dollop of cream from the dessert. Jittering legs and arms crossed, he is lost deep in a sea of thoughts.

"I have been asking myself this question recently..." Shoyo starts easily, as if talking about the weather. "But why, when something happens in this school, you two are always involved one way or another?"

"...Believe me sir, I've been asking myself the same thing." Otae mumbles to herself as she takes a sip of her tea.

Gintoki, (while completely ignoring the conversation), suddenly slams a palm on the table, rattling the contents on the smooth, mahogany surface.

"I don't have time to waste! A life long chocolate batch is calling my name!"

Before they can even blink he is already sprinting out of the door, leaving the other two occupants to stare after him in silence.

"He is always so enthusiastic." Shoyo comments first with a hearty chuckle, not doing anything whatsoever to stop the boy from causing any more trouble.

Otae shakes her head. "As Gintoki's childhood and best friend I probably shouldn't say this, and I will deny if asked. But you do know you can actually punish him for his reckless behavior, right?"

"He brings such joy to this school." The principal continues with a kind smile, ignoring anything and everything else.

Otae sweatdrops. "...Just admit he's your favorite student already."

"Did you say something?"

"No, no, nothing." She lets out a slightly exasperated sigh, stealing Gintoki's slice of strawberry cake.

* * *

**. . . **

**A/N: **

**...There will come a day when I write a serious high school AU with Shoyo being a serious principal... but that day is not today.**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:**

**hey guys, what's up, how's it going? yep, this is still me, still trying to distract myself from…life. that b**ch.**

**. . .**

* * *

**Of Double-Meanings**

* * *

💙 ~ ❤️ ~ 💙

Toshiro is still reeling from the events that took place- and that only means he wants to punch the idiot's face as soon as he sees him.

How… how did he even think of… _why _would he even-

He lets out yet another sigh, pressing his forehead to his uncomfortable knee.

After the whole… _thing _(_no,_ he categorically _refuses _to call that a 'declaration', it was _not,_ it was just _stupid)_, they were all led out of the classroom that now spots a giant hole in the ceiling. In the slight chaos that came to be because of the aforementioned events, he chose to sit by himself in the hallway, back plastered to the cold wall as he waited for… honestly, he didn't even know what he was waiting for. The idiot's fiasco of a spectacle had most definitely fried a few of his brain cells too, and now these were the consequences.

"Hey!" Mitsuba's cheery voice suddenly sounds from beside him.

He cranes his neck to look as she takes a seat right beside him, nodding at her. "…Hey."

"So." She starts, trying to keep her voice in check, he can tell, but the _giddiness_ exuding out of her is visible from miles away. "Someone _likes_ you. And I mean _like-likes_ you."

He scoffs, which is more of a muffled whine once he turns to press his face against his pant leg and just thinks about disappearing. "What are you talking about…"

"Did you see what he did for you-"

Toshiro halts and straightens up, raising a hand to stop her in her tracks. "No, no, no. He didn't do anything for _me,_ I can tell you that much." He lets himself fall back on the wall, eyes momentarily closing as he ends up muttering what he has known for a while now:

"He just wants my chocolate."

He expects sympathy, understanding, a shoulder to vent all his frustrations on. What he doesn't expect however, is…

Mitsuba snorts. "Is that what kids call _it_ these days?"

It takes a few seconds for the meaning, the one she _means, _to hit him. And when it does, his eyes snap open wide, settling on his supposedly _innocent _best friend with a horrified glare. "Mitsuba. Eww. Gross."

She cracks up.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: …I can't believe it's already been two months since I last updated this… and to think the story had to be done the day of Valentine's day… I'm so sorry for making you wait for this stupid, crack-ish thing!**

**. . .**

* * *

**Halt**

* * *

Gintoki, after his sudden sprint away from the principal's office and the inviting pastries (he will definitely have to sneak in later and smuggle a few of those delicious treats) just as suddenly comes to a stop once in the hallway.

As surreptitiously as he can, he quickly plasters himself to the nearest wall, waiting a beat, two, three, before he cranes his neck outside the little corner he tucked himself in to have a better view.

Because the boy he just 'declared' himself to is standing but a mere few feet away, along with his best friend. They seem to be chatting.

Although this is not exactly what draws Gintoki to a stand-still in the first place. The reason for his abrupt halt has more to do with the expression the other boy is wearing.

Out of everything he had been expecting: joy, delight, elation, exuberance, exhilaration, happiness- he had _not_ foreseen for him to appear so- so- _so bothered._

(And might this be the _real_ first time he takes into account the boy's expression- thus, the way he might be feeling too?)

Gintoki's face scrunches up thoughtfully. A hint of frustration is starting to seep in.

_'I don't understand. He isn't falling for any of it.'_

Ha there been a flaw in his seamless and brilliant plan? - Otae would snort and make him a list if she could hear him now- Shouldn't the boy have fallen for him already, gifted him all the chocolate he owns?

…Oh, well, this just means he will have to double his efforts from now on.

Even if a grin spreads over his face at the thought… a slightly apprehensive sensation is creeping up on him.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: **

**Introducing –very small introduction- the wonderfully silly Tatsuma Sakamoto!**

**. . .**

* * *

**Bothersome Bothers**

* * *

Not long afterwards, when the next class is already in full swing and the students are listening to their teacher drone on and on about the subject at hand while bored out of their minds, the door to the classroom is unceremoniously pulled open.

And in waltzes Gintoki, as if he belongs to this class- meanwhile his actual classes are being completely forgotten. Or rather, ignored.

~❤️ ~

"Where is Sakata?"

In his _actual_ class, his teacher asks once she notices the screaming absence of one of her most problematic students- most problematic student in the whole school, that is.

Tatsuma Sakamoto, 'freelance friend' as Gintoki has dubbed him- they are _actual friends,_ they also exchange sweets and comics, seeing as both have sweet tooth/action-oriented tendencies- stands up from his desk and climbs up his chair- and almost falls- as he slaps one open hand to his chest – and gasps out a little 'ow'- then proceeds, with all the reverence and amiability a good-natured _best_ friend could possess, to answer to the question- having been fed some information from not only Gintoki, but Otae too, and of course having drawn and brought his own conclusions into the mix, too.

"Getting lost in this intricate maze…" Tatsuma _hiccups,_ balls his hand into a fist and brings it to his mouth in a gesture that cannot be anything if not supportive. "…we call _love."_

"Sakamoto, for the last time, stop standing on the chair, you should be s_itting_ in it." The teacher reprimands with barely a sigh, as if this isn't the first time she is dragged through her students' foolish antics. As if in afterthought, she is quick to add, "And stop reading shojo mangas in my class!"

"Never!" The curly haired boy declares, only to have his arms open wide, as if standing on the deck of the Titanic. "Ah, love, such a _beautiful_ thing!" Tatsuma sobs, choosing to beatifically ignore the following 'request' of his teacher about something related to _'_detention'.

~❤️ ~ 💙

Toshiro, upon seeing the new unwanted- definitely _unwanted- _presence in class, immediately rises to his feet without much of a second thought, his hackles rise too without much of a second thought.

"What are you doing here?!"

Gintoki grins amenably enough as he informs him of his intensions. "I came to see _you,_ of course."

The other boy almost draws back in surprise- which should _not_ be surprising at all because Gintoki has literally 'declared' his 'love' for him plenty of times already.

But the light, pinkish dusting on his cheeks is… well, Gintoki doesn't mind it _one bit._

"But I _don't_ want to see you!" Toshiro finally exclaims after a faltering couple of seconds, pointing at the door. "So go back to wherever the hell you came from and _stop bothering me!"_

There it is again, the word _bother-_ and it's starting to _bother_ Gintoki.

And he… is the one to falter this time. For some unknown, _unconceivable _reason, he wants to wipe off that… _bothersome_ look off of the other boy's face. Without thinking, he opens his mouth. "I-"

But _of course _he gets interrupted.

Because the teacher, finally remembering she has a _job, _slams her palm repeatedly against the desk and sends her deadliest glare to- as all teachers have come to know him even without never having had him in their own classes- _the _most _problematic_ student. "Sakata! Go back to your class! Right this instant!"

Gintoki scoffs and pulls his hands deep in his pockets, raising an eyebrow at the teacher. _"Excuse me?_ This is a private conversation. Could you stay out of it?"

Toshiro gapes at him – so does the rest of the class, while Mitsuba brings a hand up to cover her small, little and gleeful grin- as does the teacher. Before getting her bearings and finally bellowing out,

"Gintoki Sakata! Deteeeeeeeention-"

Gintoki slips out of the classroom before she is done, though of course he doesn't listen. He has never done it before, he certainly doesn't plan on starting now. Instead he goes in search of his own best friend.

* * *

**. . .**

**A/N: **

**Did you notice Gintoki is acting more like a brat this chapter? That's 'cause he feels bothered by Toshiro feeling bothered by him xD**

**Don't worry though, this is still crack through and through, no real hard feelings here, they will soon get back to their dumb selves, but, you know, even if it's crack I just wanted to show a tiny itty bitty of actual 'emotion' here : ))))**


	16. Chapter 16

**Food Puns (2) And Gentle Hands**

* * *

❤️ ~ 💙

But while Gintoki slips out, he also lets something slip in, that Toshiro glimpses only a few seconds after the boy has made his 'grand _leave'_. In the- unsurprising- chaos that has created, with his teacher still furiously complaining about this and that, he quickly bends down to pick it up from the foot of his desk, finally sitting down again.

It's a scrap of paper, he notices, folded too. Genuine curiosity getting the better of him, he goes against his instincts and slowly unfolds the little and innocuous thing between his hands.

He is once again greeted by black, cursive letters against stark white and-

_You're the loaf of my life._

Which, if turned, continues with:

_Words cannot express hummus I love you. ;)_

Toshiro balls up the scrap of paper in a fit of frustration, feeling mocked, throwing it somewhere behind him- where Mitsuba promptly catches it in her ready and steady hands.

It takes only a few seconds, the crispness of the paper fills his ears, before he hears her right beside him.

"It's getting clearer that he likes-_likes_ you." Mitsuba softly whispers, voice lilting amusedly in what almost sounds singing. Or teasing.

Toshiro crosses his arms and scoffs. "…Shut up. He's just doing it to spite me."

She giggles, but doesn't add anything more. She runs gentle fingers through his hair instead, affectionately stroking at his nape until Toshiro starts to calm down and isn't as angry-looking anymore.

…Mitsuba might just have to tell this little 'trick' to a certain curly boy crushing over her best friend. The thought makes her giggle again.


	17. Chapter 17

**Hand Rubs And Best Friends' Laughs**

* * *

~ ❤️ ~

* * *

By the time he has reached Otae- and pulled her out of class with an excuse, in hindsight it's always great how the teachers actually _believe_ whatever Otae says- the unfamiliar frustration has seeped away the way it seeped in, leaving his system in a flash.

Or so he would _like_ to say.

He feels restless, pacing back and forth to shake the jitters out of his legs, it feels like his heart will crawl out of his chest any moment now and unwelcome tingles are dancing on the pads of his fingers.

"What did you do this time?" Otae asks with the same _best friend mode activated_ tone she always reserves for him, but there is noticeable softness too, as if she can see how _bothered_ he seems to be. Given how long and how well they have known each other, she most definitely can.

"What did _I_ do?" Gintoki stops indignated to point in the distant direction of the other boy's class. "What if _he_ did something?"

Otae raises her eyebrows at him, lips tilted amusedly. "Oh, so _he_ is involved again."

_"His chocolate_ is involved here! That's the only thing that matters!"

Her lips part, she seems ready to say something purposeful- and definitely mildly _inappropriate-_ but Gintoki is already talking again.

"I don't understand, he isn't falling for any of it!" He admits his earlier thoughts out loud, hoping she will give him an explanation, offer an edge over this… whole_ predicament-_ which Gintoki himself _caused,_ but chocolate was calling to him! How could he not pick up?!

Otae lets out a heavy sigh, as if having to deal with a child- not that far off the truth- and folds her arms, sending him an _obvious_ look. "Why don't you just try to, I don't know, tell him that you _actually_ like him?"

"I don't 'like' him." Gintoki is quick to snap.

"Oh, c'mon, you have never spent this much time troubling yourself over anyone else-"

"-That's because no chocolate has ever been involved before-"

"-is that really why you're so drawn to him-"

"-yes! There's chocolate at stake here, woman!"

The best friends cease talking over one another, falling in a hush, only to stare at each other, their words almost echoing along the silent hallway.

…Gintoki has had enough of this already! Whatever _this_ is!

He is a _genius!_ A true and _extra_ordinary genius- maybe more extra than ordinary- unprecedented in his brilliance, no one could deny such a deep-rooted truth! What he needs is to probably be reminded of such qualities. Which is way he is quick to demand:

"Compliment me."

Otae blinks. "Excuse me?"

Gintoki blinks back. "You heard me."

Otae exhales in an almost tired fashion. But she takes his hands in hers, rubbing in soothing, practiced moves over his skin that slowly help to set him at ease. "You are _so_ talented and smart and _handsome_." She begins in an exaggerated tone, but her soft chuckles mid-way through and the tenderness of her hold are authentic.

After Gintoki has literally been _avalanched _in compliments, which takes two and a half minutes, he finally manages to crack a little grin. "…Thanks, I needed that."

Otae shakes her head at him with a grin of her own, fondness written all over her face. "You might be the only person I know that needs to be showered in compliments to feel better."

"First of all, you'd be surprised how many people actually need that." It's Gintoki's turn to shake his head, squeezing her hands once before letting go. "And second… sorry, can't hear you over my very long list of astounding and pleasant traits."

Otae huffs, putting her weight on one hip as she crosses her arms again. "On the bright side, I am a very _good_ liar."

"What?" Gintoki feigns shock. "Wait- you mean you didn't think all those nice things you just said about me?! Otae, you little minx!"

She cracks up and Gintoki is having trouble keeping a straight face.

"So." She says with traces of giggles still in her voice as she loops an arm through his. "What's the next course of action to get your_ chocolate?" _There is still a teasing hint too, of course there is, but Otae's encouraging smile is enough for Gintoki to start feeling more like himself again.

He pretends the unfamiliar frustration was never there in the first place.

* * *

**. . .**

**A/N:**

**… Alright. I'll admit it. I'm a sucker for friends being affectionate and being there for each other. I just love friendship in general okay? Okay.**

**Next chapter, back on crack- I mean- back on track (lol)**


	18. Chapter 18

**'Marriage In Progress'**

* * *

❤️ ~ 💙 ~ ❤️

Gintoki waits until the bell rings, as per Otae's advice to try to 'confront' the 'chocolate empire heir' when he has a half-full stomach- _'that way he won't feel light enough to be able to chase you all across the school and not full enough to throw up his lunch all over you'_ were her sweet and exact words, to be incredibly specific- and plops himself in a vacant chair that he screechingly dragged across the floor and in front of Toshiro's desk, interrupting his half eaten lunch, and staring at him with the passion of a thousand burning suns.

"I have to admit I have thought about this for a very, very long time now." Gintoki starts the conversation, voice just as _intense_ as his stare in his very modest opinion. "And I came to the conclusion that we should marry each other. Right. Now."

There, he drops the figurative bomb and waits to literally reap what he has sown - hopefully anything involving never-ending chocolate supplies.

Toshiro, ceasing any move, looks back at him with the most unexpressive, dead-fish eyes Gintoki has ever seen on anyone but himself. "…How long have you thought about it exactly?"

Gintoki checks the clock on the wall of the classroom, nodding to himself. "Twelve minutes." Then he squints his eyes, re-checking the clock. "Twelve minutes and thirty seconds, to be more specific."

Toshiro, slowly, ever so slowly, pushes his lunch aside, a strange energy exudes out of him, which appears to be a murderous aura to most, given how his classmates are literally fleeing away in fright, but obliviousness keeps his 'desk mate' unfazed.

"I have been thinking for a while, too." The boy finally announces with a bit of a strained grin. "About how I would like to caress your cheek now…"

Gintoki perks up, pleasantly surprised. "Ooh, that sounds affectionate."

"…with my fist." Toshiro continues with that little, forced grin.

Gintoki's expression twists a little, bewildered. "That… sounds a little _less_ affectionate?"

And Toshiro, surprising him again, almost stands up from his chair as he draws closer in the blink of an eye, and Gintoki suddenly has a face-full of him. His brain, ever so _slightly,_ starts _malfunctioning_ from the unexpected proximity.

"I am now _this_ _close_ to punching you." The other boy utters so lowly it's almost a whisper, showing his pointer and thumb which are _almost _touching.

"Wait a second-" Gintoki squints, now the one drawing closer to have a better look. "-your fingers are _actually_ touching."

Toshiro turns to look at his hand in mock-surprise "Oh, would you look at that?"

Gintoki might have a dangerously low level of self-preservation, he will admit that much, but his instincts do kick in at the seemingly impending danger of a _fist _about to caress his _cheek,_ and he sprints out of the classroom so fast his P.E. teacher would be proud of him- especially since he mostly tends to whine and complain and lazily drape himself over the gym floor while sobbing:_ okay, maybe running might be good for you… but at what cost? Dear Lord, at what cost?!_

Unfortunately for _him_, Toshiro is one of those people who are known for excelling in both academics and sports, and unlike him he actually takes his physical education seriously. In only a matter of seconds the boy is quick on his feet, chasing after him. Otae, this time around, had not been right, even with a stomach half-full he is far too _fast._

As a momentary distraction, aimed at his own self, Gintoki is just going to delude himself into thinking that Toshiro might be chasing him to confess his endless love, thus granting him free access to the endless amounts of cocoa beans his family owns- yes, that does sound like a very reasonable and wonderful outcome to think about.

"Hey! You! No running on school grounds!"

Unfortunately for the _both of them, _Gintoki's least favorite teacher decides to make an appearance right about now. How could he forget about her, she likes to chase him around waving a broom 'threateningly' because he 'dares to disrupt her classes', but honestly, she is just a crazy lady with nothing better to do. And how did she just happen to spot them across the other side of the school- seriously, does this woman have _x-ray vision_ or what?!- but a broom is already waving back and forth in the sky as she aggregates herself to their 'jogging session', too.

And… well, there _might_ be _worse_ things than having to spend your afternoon trying to get dirty bristles out of your hair and mouth.

💙 ~ ❤️

"How did it go?" Otae asks as she flips through a fashion magazine, not even bothering to look up at her best friend.

Gintoki, with laboured breath, having ran all the way here to meet her in one of the empty classrooms (and hide from his crazy teacher), clears his throat and raises his head up high, borrowing confidence from his literally never-ending supply. "This is, what one would call, 'a work in progress.'"

Otae does raise her eyes this time, enough to spare him a glance. "No." She states patiently. "This is, what one would call, 'the attempt of a stupid to out-stupid himself.' And you are succeeding in that, congratulations."

Gintoki takes a moment to ponder over her words. "Hmm, I feel like this might be your subtle way of insulting me."

Otae gasps quietly, bringing a hand to her chest in surprise. "You're wrong. It's not subtle at all."

* * *

**. . .**

**A/N: **

**This was literally one of the chapters I liked writing the most. Literally.**

**I had this sitting in my docs forever – 'I feel like this might be your subtle way of insulting me/You're wrong. It's not subtle at all'- and I'm going to use it in as many stories as I can, you've been warned.**

**I want to finish this fic as soon as I can lol, so it will probably end sometime around next week? Also, thank you so much for wasting your precious time with my silly stories and for your lovely words, you guys seriously have no idea how much I actually appreciate it!**


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